THE Smiths’ mini-break in Edinburgh continued in much the same vein as it began (ie. with a constant, low-level vibe of ‘badly planned’).
We’re currently weaning our daughter onto solid foods using the ‘baby-led’ method so a sensible plan would have been to stay somewhere we could make and eat our own meals.
This is because, as far as I can make out, this style of weaning seems to involve very little actual eating and more meals being thrown, shot put-like, at some distant point on the other side of the kitchen.
Of course, at home it doesn’t matter if she gets spaghetti bolognese all over the cupboard doors, porridge all over the walls or if she smears handfuls of banana into the clothes of a passing parent (or the cat).
However, as we are not sensible people, we decided to go on a holiday which involved four full days of eating out.
And, shockingly, it turns out that restaurateurs aren’t overly keen on having their dining rooms redecorated in that nice shade ‘penne arrabbiata’, nor do they like their waitresses having mashed potato flung at them.
I think it’s safe to say the Smiths are now on the blacklist of several Scottish eateries.
In fact, as we crossed the border back into England, I could almost swear I heard a sigh of relief.
A trail of devastation followed us around as the baby (a smiling assassin) grinned while depositing handfuls of food anywhere she could reach.
The carpet underneath every table we were seated at became a graveyard for rejected food.
At one point, while subtly trying to gather up the thousands of crumbs which had once been a cheese sandwich, Smithy genuinely suggested I ‘run to the nearest Currys’ to see if they could sell us a hand-held vacuum cleaner.
So next time I have an urge to do something nice with my family I will suppress it.
In fact, I will remember the look that appeared on one waitress’s face as she realised there was spaghetti hanging off what had once been a very nice lamp – and then I think the urge should go away all by itself.
Article first published in the Westmorland Gazette on November 5, 2015