I GAVE birth 10 weeks ago and I would say it’s approximately 10 weeks since I last looked like a normal human being.
The truth is, I don’t actually know where either my make-up bag or my hair straighteners have got to.
They could be lost underneath the pile of dirty washing that never seems to shrink, or could have been eaten by the cat in a desperate bid for attention that nobody noticed.
I have no idea – and I don’t have time to care.
The point is that I’m yet to figure out how to raise a child and find time to look like a fully-functioning adult at the same time.
Just to be vaguely presentable would be a step up from my current state of ‘of course I can get another wear out of it’.
But I’m assured this is normal – which is why I was both amazed and saddened that the Duchess of Cambridge, just hours postnatal, appeared on the hospital steps looking like she was on her way to a high-society wedding.
I can only imagine how uncomfortable and emotional she must have been feeling.
For several hours after my daughter was born I was unable to stop laughing hysterically, so smiling and waving in a dignified manner would have been absolutely out of the question.
I was also unable to stand up – and anyone expecting me to daintily make my way out of hospital in four inch heels would have been met with no more than a gas-and-air-induced vacant stare (or yet more hysterical laughter).
When I eventually left the hospital I was in a wheelchair and dressed in pyjamas which, I was brutally informed by a midwife, were ‘absolutely not my colour’.
And had anybody been waiting to get a snap of such a sight, I’m sure they would have quickly changed their mind and beat a hasty retreat.
But that’s how it should be in my opinion.
And somewhere underneath the Duchess’ glossy hair, just-back-from-St Lucia glow and salon-perfect, manicured hands must have been a perfectly normal, hormonal wreck, who wanted nothing more than to put on her comfiest jogging bottoms and spend some time crying and staring at her new daughter.
So I hope for her sake she’s been able to claw back a bit of normality.
As for me: I may even try wearing make-up sometime soon.
If I can find it.
And remember what to do with it.
Article first published in The Westmorland Gazette on May 7, 2015